The Day I Killed The Plumber
He knelt down on the bathroom floor to pick up one of his tools. Just then I brought the wrench down on his head with all the force that I could muster, swinging down with every last ounce of strength that I had in me, packing all the hatred and all the anger that I have ever felt in my life into one vicious blast of energy. The wrench met his skull with a thud and a crack.
He didn't shout or even moan, he was so civilized about it. He leisurely slumped forward, as if to pick something from his toolbox. He was so quiet, I could barely hear his breath. I watched as the blood began to spread from the wound. I wondered if he could understand what was happening to him. Was he aware that he was about to die? I raised the blood-stained wrench into the air and brought it down again, so fast, so hard, and heard a louder crack. His torso and arms began to shake. He looked like an octopus plugged into a wall socket. I hit him again. And again. I kept bashing at his head, hard, constantly, until his scalp became a torn and bloody mass of hair and bone. He stopped shaking. Blood was everywhere, pouring on the bathroom floor, splashed on the side of my new washing machine, the underside of the sink, everywhere. I had known from the moment that he had given me attitude that there was no real choice about it, I hope you can understand, he just had to die in a horrible way, even if that meant making a mess.
And far above in the heavens, the plumber's soul flew through silk clouds and harping angels, landing in front of heaven's door. The door opened, bathing him in a magnificent light. Jesus himself came out and took him by the hand and said "Dear Plumber, how you have suffered in your life, how unappreciated and how unrewarding your existence has been. How you have been maligned, hated, scorned and falsely accused of being lazy and overcharging your clients. How undeserved, unjust and painful your last moments on the Earth were. But as I have promised, the lowly will be rewarded, given shelter, and will live forever at My Father's side"
And with that, accompanied by poignant yet somehow dreamy violin music they both rose into the air and flew into heaven, where the plumber would spend eternity in bliss, together with all the other scorned and lowly people of this Earth who have passed away, all now happy and content around God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and all the other presidential advisors.
A bar of soap slid off the top of its holder and fell into the bathtub with a loud clang. The sound snapped me out of my reverie and I went to get a mop for the blood. While I was cleaning up I couldn't quite get over how much Jesus had looked like Heath Ledger.