Phalion Cream

We know. We’ve fixed it.

Phalion for Women

Relatives keep pressuring you to get pregnant? Period cramps and smells getting to you? Tired of wondering if you will climax next time you have sex or masturbate? Yet another yeast infection? Have you had enough of worrying about an unwanted pregnancy or UTI every time you have sex? How about the weird manoeuvres you have to perform in order to sit in a public restroom toilet, that is, if you can hold it long enough given the wait of the giant queue. Or being able to finish a sentence in a meeting without being talked over by the guy who will get your promotion, while your boss is busy ogling you?

Ever wanted to just manspread and scratch your crotch in public without getting weird stares? Ever wonder why horse or bicycle seat design never made any sense? Don’t like being secluded to the female-only area of your local religious centre under the threat of being burned as a witch? Or let’s face it — how many times have you just wished you could quickly whip it out to masturbate like men, be fully satisfied with just one orgasm, or receive oral sex without it looking like childbirth-in-reverse, or, don’t deny it, it would be nice to watch him swallow for a change.

The bottom line is that the world needs strong pioneering women who will become CEOs and presidents that lead, not waitresses or nurses that serve. Claim your power, and shatter the glass ceiling with your new Power-Cock, hit them over the head with it like a bat, and then piss while standing up on everyone who held you back because you were an innie rather than an outie. There are so many great things about being a woman, why not add the one thing nature reserved for men and be complete?

Phalion for Men (prescription only)

Sexual dysfunction? Length, girth, or shape issues? Life’s too short for that! Phalion for Men is scientifically formulated to apply a low but potent dose specifically in the areas which YOU want to improve upon, giving you total control of the process of contouring yourself, and guarantees results every time. To avoid accidental misuse, Phalion for Men is currently only made available on a rate-limited regimen, please ask your doctor for a prescription, and never have to agree that size doesn’t matter ever again.

Phalion for Trans Men

Claim back your natural fully-functional penis, which you can grow to match your appearance and suit your preference. This version of Phalion is aimed at creating a balanced natural phallic and testicular appearance, as well as ensuring consistent growth throughout the application, a luscious foreskin (to enjoy or mutilate as you prefer), optimal fertility, and, of course tent-pitch-perfect erectile function, for those cripplingly embarrassing involuntary erections nobody made fun of you at school for. (You may also be interested in our all-natural BO spray so you can accent your ball stench)

Hi, I’m Sarah, former receptionist and now CEO of Phalion. Click through my own stunning week-by-week photographic testimonial on the effectiveness of our product*, taken over a year of regular Phalion Cream applications!

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* Results and rate of growth may vary. Do not use more than the stated weekly dose and apply evenly. Results are not reversible. The benefits of having a large penis are only effective as part of a well balanced lifestyle and health regimen. Always use gloves when applying, and rinse fingers and toes thoroughly if coming into contact with the cream. Do not apply to pets or animals. Do not apply to nipples, breasts, nostrils, eyes, ears, wounds, or any other openings or orifices. Strictly restricted to persons 18 or over. May contain donkey glandular extract.

Phalion for SUVs (coming soon!)

Watch this space for some very exciting announcements, coming later this year!