The Good Witch of Papagou appeared in front of me, swung her star-topped wand, covered me in glitter, and told me I had passed my driving test. I looked up at her and said "thank you Good Witch of Papagou, so when will I get my license?" To which she responded by flying away, and with a wave of her magic wand there appeared a huge crowd, in front of which a multicolored row of minuscule civil servants began to sing:
"We represent the Greek government, the Greek government, the Greek government, and on behalf of the Greek Governmeeeeeeent... we grant you a license to drive our streeeeeets!" But just then the wicked witch of Brahami, riding on top of her black 150cc moped, ran over them. She said: "You're not granting anything my pretties!" and she cackled her wicked cackle, "the license has been hidden in the darkest dungeons of the Ministry of Transportation, where nobody can reach it!".
The crowd was taken aback and everyone looked around wondering what to do!! Even the pudgy mayor of Papagou looked up from his podium and said "Oh No! How in the world will Paul drive his bike now?"
But the Good Witch said "You must go to the Ministry and get the license! This process normally takes two weeks, but only if you are truly pure and brave. But who here is pure and brave enough?"
I looked left and right but there was silence. Only the Wicked Witch's constant cackle could be heard. I gathered my courage, and stepped forward: "I will find the license!" I said bravely, "you cannot keep me from getting my scooter you wicked, wicked witch". But the Wicked Witch just kept laughing. I turned to the crowd: "Farewell then, I am now leaving on my quest!"
"Wait Paul!" someone said: it was the Man Without a Certificate. "I will come with you. I have heard that the Ministry of transportation holds many things in its dungeons, perhaps I can find my long lost Certificate!"
"That's wonderful" I said, "come on MWaC, let's get you certified again!"
"And I will come too" someone else said: It was VAT Boy! "They have held onto my tax returns long enough, I too will travel to the Ministry and make them give my VAT back!"
"You have waited too long my friend" I told him, "I know we will find what you seek!"
"Wait!" said a girl who looked like a tax form, stepping forward from the crowd: "You will need someone who can fight them on their own terms, I am the Paperwork Girl, I can help!".
"Oh golly gosh, I feel so happy that you are all with me" I said, beaming and feeling more sure of our chances with each passing second "Now let's go to the Ministry!" And with that, we set off. The Wicked Witch vanished with a scream of anger.
Everyone cheered, and people began to sing and dance: "Ding dong the test is passed, which ol'test? The dreaded test!" and "We're off to get the license, the wonderful license to drive!" and then "Follow the paperwork trail, follow the paperwork trail!"
I paused, and nervously coughed into my fist a couple of times. "Erm..." I said, clearing my throat, "hey guys, do you think it would be possible to tone down the gayness just a tad?" But everyone had a jolly old laugh and carried on singing and dancing merrily and having a fabulous time celebrating the start of our quest, shooting rainbow colored confetti into the air, covering everything in dusty paper and sending some passing Norwegian tourists on their way to the airport into anaphylactic shock. People were standing on candy shaped balconies and waving rainbow flags into the air. And then for no apparent reason things took a turn with a capital 'G': Brazilian drag queens jumped out of side streets and did the samba in PVC stiletto boots as curvy Russian shemales watched on with glittering erections serviced by Germans with shaved crotches and porn-star mustaches. In the marshmallow tree orchard there were countless couples of oiled-up musclemen 69-ing with a zeal resembling time lapse videos of methed-up woodpeckers. Up above, huge bearded bears with hairy backs bounced on top of the pink fluffy clouds going 'we-heeee, la la LA la la', making cartoon 'boink' sounds with each bounce. Far in the distance, Buck Angel's man-pussy shot golden streams over Joel Gibb as he sang 'I believe in the good of life as I kneel for a taste of man'.
"I don't think we're in Papagou anymore guys" I muttered under my breath, dizzy from the sights... So THIS is what happens when you buy such a gay bike... And it wasn't as if I hadn't been warned either!! I let the thought sink in: If only I had heeded the warnings. But my spirits did not falter for long. We pressed on for a little while: Me, MWaC, VAT boy and Paperwork Girl skipping off into the dusk in search of our true heart's desire.
We turned around for a moment and looked back in the distance. We traced cum-shots as they arched gracefully over the setting sun.