Total accuracy; Certified at 105.3%
Aries: If you know what's good for you, then you ought to go back to that store and demand your money back. The cashier is, in fact, the re-incarnation of someone you wanted to murder very badly in a past life. Opportunity knocks!
Taurus: The girl next door often has fantasies concerning you. But you really really don't want to know. Trust us. In case your curiosity gets the better of you just remember what the president of Venezuela once said about communism.
Gemini: Being a typically spineless and cowardly person, you run away at the first mention of armed robbery. But not this time: just. do. it. You know that you want it. Set up for life. Don't trust Jake though, he is planning to turn you in as soon as the job is done. We suggest that you let him handle the safe and then dispose of him.
Cancer: This is the week when you must temper that awful racism of yours. It is unbecoming, very tasteless, backwards, and quite frankly: It clashes with the very image that you are trying to put out. We suggest that you ought to relax and deal with the fact that you are gay and in love with the black Muslim trans man that your sister's married to.
Leo: You can let yourself enjoy that extra crate of vodka, because this week the stars will conspire to keep your liver healthy and happy. Be sure to save up for that skiing trip you always wanted to make because you are going to meet a very charismatic chiropractor there and marry her. Eventually she will end up breaking your spine in a horrible accident involving her SSH fetish, yoga, and cunnilingus. The guilt will drive her to suicide after a few months.
Virgo: We envy you. You have the perfect car. You have the perfect job. You have the perfect partner. Your TV is huuuge. Your wallet is getting fatter by the minute. Your watch could feed a small African country for a month. HOWEVER: You have 3 days to live because you are suffering from a very rare form of explosive brain parasite infestation. All your relatives know but they are not telling you so that you can at least die happy. We, however, believe that you ought to be informed.
Libra: As the sign of balance, it is your duty to intervene in government and do something about those socialists that are out to destroy the free world. We would appreciate it if you could begin with the bombing of Europe.
Scorpio: Frank Sinatra once told you the meaning of life. But being a Scorpio, you decided to take it metaphorically. Now you get all you deserve. We suggest that you abandon the underground DJ scene in Frankfurt and go study stand up comedy in Las Vegas.
Sagittarius: This week you are going to discover that the line from the Bible that made you decide to join the army was actually modified by a friend of yours as a practical joke. He's screwing your wife.
Capricorn: This week you will try to kick that cross-dressing habit once and for all. You will fail and have a nervous breakdown.
Aquarius: You still suck.
Pisces: Don't get out of bed before 7:42AM on Friday because you will explode and make a mess.
The stars tell all, we merely translate
Aries: You must focus for one more week. We know that you would have cut his member off in an instant it weren't for the simple fact that you would die of sex withdrawal within two days. It's hard work being a total slut. Focus now, a day at a time.
Taurus: Although we would never deem ourselves worthy to bring up objections to your overinflated ego's intellectual fruits we would like to point out that you might want to wake up one morning and realise just now far gone you well and truly are. You smoke too much, by the way.
Gemini: This week you can do no wrong financially. So go ahead and splash out for new clothes, new furniture, a new car, new house, dump your boyfriend and move to New York. Then play the stock market with what's left. Trust us.
Cancer: This is the week when you must temper that awful racism of yours. It is unbecoming, very tasteless. backwards, and quite frankly: It clashes with the very image that you are trying to put out. We suggest that you ought to relax and deal with the fact that you are a lesbian and in love with the black Muslim trans woman that your brother’s married to.
Leo: Whether this is your main sign, or you have Leo as your ascendant, you should be careful. We are convinced that your neighbour has snipers trained on the front door of your office. When leaving from work, use the back entrance. The exact reasons for this are not clear to us, so some of our staff decided to go pay your neighbour a visit and find out why she hates you so. But it turned out that she is a Taurus, so she didn't end up making much sense.
Virgo: When you were small you would get angry over the little things. No matter how hard you try, those little things remain like sand in those beach shoes that you haven't worn in years and forgot in the attic and re discovered one day when moving houses and remembered how you were dumped that year by that boy with the ugly nose which you thought implied things about his anatomy like your best friend had said but what did she know she died old and lonely and her cats ate her corpse as it rotted face-down in the empty bathtub.
Libra: As the sign of balance, it is your duty to murder people who have too many children. This week we suggest that you tackle the case of that professor who keeps staring at your breasts when you hand in your coursework. Use one of your guitar cords in the cafeteria. Spit on his bulging red eyes as he struggles for breath.
Scorpio: Since your most known trademarks are your exquisite taste and your sweet and understanding nature, we suggest that you go write a book about wig and denture maintenance.
Sagittarius: Like the god of love, you too will fire arrows that will set hearts alight this week. And if you follow our advice, you will find true love, and live a long and happy life, only to be undone in the end by a typographical error in a hospital admission form. However, the ensuing lawsuit will make your grandchildren very rich indeed.
Capricorn: Unless you stop hating men with such passion you are likely to start foaming a thick green paste from your mouth and squeeze out your womb lining in rapid successive spasms of vitriolic anger. Please relax and go have a sex change. This week, you hear?
Aquarius: You still suck.
Pisces: It is hard to be a Pisces and still remain focused in the here and now. HELLO? Oh dear. she's reading the next page.